For 7 years I've had one consistant prayer, not one that I prayed everyday, but one that kept coming to mind, especially when my witty son came up with one crazy idea after another. That prayer was, "Lord, if it falls within your will, please show me why we had to walk through the valley of sickness with Simon." Nearly 7 yrs ago, Simon, at around 7 months old, began to have a type of seizure known as infantile spasms. He literally began to move backwards in his development as these seizures robbed him of the ability to grow and develop like a normal baby. We spent 5 days at Baptist Hospital under the care of an awesome neurologist and after a round of heavy steriods and a few years of anti-seizure meds, Simon came through, seemingly with no long term effects. The doc was amazed! He spent his days with children who had been permanantly altered from the very same disorder. And with Simon it seemed this was just a small blip on the radar. Something that came and then went.



For a long time I thought the reason was the video. We went to that appt armed with a video of what Simon was doing so that if the doc tried to tell me it was nothing, I'd have proof. By God's grace, I didn't need to show him the video because Simon had a seizure spell in his office right before his eyes. He knew without a doubt what Simon had and said right away, "that's infantile spasms!" But when I pulled that video tape out, you'd have thought I'd pulled out a gold brick. "Can I have that?" he wanted to know. He proceeded to explain that this teaching hospital that trained many doctors for the medical field had no way of showing their students what this type of seizure looks like. In a baby, it looks like they have just become startled. Or maybe they are struggling to sit up. There are a lot of explanations for the action, but no good way for a scared mom to describe it to her pediatrician in a way that makes sense, unless the ped. has seen it for himself. And what I had just given our doc was a way to do that. Who knows how many docs have seen Simon going through his spasm since then? Who knows how many moms got the help they needed because their pediatrician saw my son on a video? Or how many will get that help in the future? May God be praised for how He uses our struggles to deliver others from theirs.



And then there's today--today I got a call from a woman in our church. She's been talking with her mother who was concerned about a baby in their family. The baby is making "strange" motions. And this woman thought of us. She remembered praying for Simon. She called to learn the specifics again and I was able to tell her what the motions look like and what she needed to do to get help for this baby. Now, I know, maybe he doesn't have the same thing as Simon, but maybe he does. Maybe this young mom who, no doubt, has been hoping her mommy's intuition is just working overtime, finally has validation for what she's been sensing. And maybe this little one will get the care he needs before he is just a number, adding to a statistic, of the number of lives that will forever be changed by this disorder. I pray he doesn't have it, that there is another explanation. But I thank my Lord for allowing me to assist, for letting me use that awful experience to give answers and hope to another family.



As I pondered all these things today, I began to think about how we, as believers in Christ, deal with, not hard moments, but tragic ones. Ones that steal your dreams, stamp out your hope and leave you clawing for air just to keep breathing. You hardly ever see these moments coming, they don't sound their warning bells while they are still a ways off. They come crashing down on you. I have a terrific spiritual momma who is famous for refering to our trials as trains. She says, "If the train is not at your station now, it either just left, or it's on its way, so watch out!" And I have greeted her often with references to my train's whereabouts. But I don't think these are train moments. These are more like, I'm in the middle of nowhere in a two-man tent and a meteor the size of Texas is about to make a crater out of me. They are unavoidable--you are in the crosshairs and escape is not an option. And to hear someone say,"The plans of God are good for those he loves"...if ever you were tempted to doubt even a part of His word, it's that part. How can this be good? If this is the best He has for me, than how can He call that loving?



I don't know, I don't have that answer. Except to say that He is God. And whatever He wills and does are expressly for His glory and His purposes. And if it wasn't, then all this life that goes on around us would've come crashing down a long time before now. He doesn't give me a memo detailing all that's lined up in the future. Just like I didn't give him a consult when He decided where to hang the planets as He designed the universe. We are His creation, and He is not our Santa. He doesn't require us to agree before He goes ahead with His plans, we don't get to argue that we never ok'd His actions. What we get is a promise that He will never leave us or forsake us, even when we look around and it doesn't seem like He is there. Even when we strike out at Him, turn our backs or close our ears. Sometimes we are simply too numb to feel the strong arms around us, the steady strength that holds us up even when we feel ourselves falling. I remember sitting on the side of my bed, after we finally had a name for the disorder attacking our baby boy, and telling my husband, with no expression on my face and no confidence in my voice, "God has a good and perfect plan for us, and for Simon. And I need to be able to look back at this night, no matter what happens tomorrow, and know that I knew that." My heart and my head did not agree that night, but over the next few weeks God chose to show me the many ways He had already been at work, preparing us and preparing Simon for that dark valley. And He is showing me now part of His plan to use our sorrows for the strengthening of others. His love for us is a powerful thing and His grace flows from a neverending supply. Test him and you will find He's got what it takes to be your all in all.